Rebuilding Trust (When It Wasn’t an Affair): A Guide for Both Partners
Photo by Mayer Tawfik on Unsplash
“Trust is built and maintained by many small moments over time.”
— Drs. John and Julie Gottman
When we hear “broken trust,” we often picture betrayal in its most dramatic form—an affair, a financial secret, a double life. But in real relationships, trust often erodes in quieter ways.
Here are just a few examples of what that can look like:
A partner hides their porn use, despite promises to stop
Emotional intimacy is shared with someone else instead of each other
One person becomes emotionally unavailable, even though they’re still physically present
Apologies come often, but patterns remain unchanged
Dr. Shirley Glass, one of the leading researchers on infidelity and emotional boundaries, calls these “windows and walls.” In healthy relationships, partners build windows between each other—clear, honest, connected. When secrecy, avoidance, or emotional leakage creeps in, walls go up, and trust breaks down.
These subtle breaches matter. They leave the other person wondering, Can I still rely on you? Are we still on the same team?
This guide is for couples facing that type of trust rupture. Whether you were hurt, caused the hurt, or both of you are questioning your connection, this is the work of rebuilding—not just the relationship, but the foundation underneath it.
For the One Whose Trust Was Broken
If you were on the receiving end of the breach, it’s common to feel confused. After all, nothing “explosive” happened, so why does it hurt so much?
Because safety was compromised. Emotional trust was violated. And your body and heart know it.
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that trust isn’t built in grand gestures but in the micro-moments of everyday connection—eye contact, follow-through, emotional availability. When those are repeatedly missed or violated, our sense of relational safety begins to unravel.
What Helps When You’ve Been Hurt
1. Give yourself permission to feel.
You may feel grief, anger, anxiety, or even guilt. Let each emotion speak. You don’t need to minimize your response just because “it wasn’t an affair.”
2. Get clear on what you need to feel safe.
Ask yourself:
What behavior has to change, starting now?
What kind of transparency or support would help rebuild trust?
What would make me feel emotionally seen again?
3. Use boundaries as a form of care.
Boundaries protect the possibility of connection. Think of them as creating a space where healing can actually happen—by limiting re-injury.
4. Don’t settle for apologies without patterns.
Dr. Glass emphasizes that trust is rebuilt when words align with action over time. An apology is a spark. Consistency is the flame.
5. Seek external grounding.
Whether through therapy, spiritual support, or honest friendships, find someone who can remind you what’s true and help you process your pain without rushing you.
For the One Who Broke the Trust
If you’ve hidden something, shut your partner out emotionally, or broken promises again and again, you may feel guilt, shame, or fear that things can’t be repaired.
Here’s what we know from research on relational betrayal: repair is possible, but only when the person who broke the trust commits to action—not just remorse.
Brené Brown defines trust as “choosing to make what is important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.”When that vulnerability is mishandled, your partner needs to know it won’t happen again.
How to Start Repairing Trust
1. Own the full story.
Don’t just confess to the behavior. Name the pattern. Name the impact.
Say: “I see how my secrecy made you feel alone and unseen. That matters to me.”
2. Stop defending. Start listening.
Trying to justify your actions may help you feel less guilty, but it prevents true repair. Sit with their experience without needing to reshape it.
3. Offer transparency proactively.
Until safety is re-established, this may mean voluntarily sharing devices, calendars, or patterns of behavior. You are not being controlled. You are rebuilding credibility.
4. Repair through daily action, not drama.
As Esther Perel reminds us, “Trust is regained in drops and lost in buckets.” Focus on small, consistent acts of presence.
5. Work on your shame outside the relationship.
Don’t ask your partner to soothe your guilt. That’s not their job right now. You need your own emotional scaffolding—through therapy, support groups, or accountability partners.
For Both: Rebuilding Trust in Yourself
Whether you were hurt or did the hurting, broken trust impacts your internal world. You may doubt your ability to choose well, to change, or to feel emotionally safe again.
This part matters. Because without self-trust, every relational interaction feels fragile. You need to believe in your ability to notice, speak up, show up, and make aligned choices again.
How to Restore Self-Trust
Tell yourself the truth.
What are you feeling? What’s still unresolved? What are you afraid of? What do you want?
Keep small promises to yourself.
When you say you’ll set a boundary or show up differently, do it. These small acts restore your belief that your word matters—even to yourself.
Use daily 15-minute check-ins as a tool.
Try this:
Five minutes: What am I feeling today?
Five minutes: What do I need from you?
Five minutes: What’s one thing we can try together this week?
Track your own growth.
Look for signs that you’re responding differently. Write them down. This helps you believe that change is happening, even on the hard days.
Practice gentleness, not perfection.
Healing won’t be linear. You will have setbacks. That doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human.
Final Thoughts
Trust can be broken in a moment, but it is rebuilt in many small, sacred ones.
As the Gottmans write, “Every betrayal begins with a failure to connect.” That means every repair begins with the courage to reconnect—first with honesty, then with care, and eventually, with trust.
Whether you’re holding the hurt or trying to repair it, you are not alone. You don’t have to be perfect. But you do need to be present.