Can Attachment Styles Really Change?
Photo by Rémi Walle on Unsplash
Maybe you’ve realized you lean anxious, avoidant, or disorganized.
Maybe you’ve seen those patterns in your relationships—and you’re tired.
You want to feel steady, not stuck in spirals.
You want to trust connection instead of bracing for loss.
And you’re wondering: Can this actually change?
The answer is yes—but not overnight, and not alone.
What Is Earned Secure Attachment?
“Earned secure” means just what it sounds like: You didn’t start with secure attachment—but you built it over time.
It’s the emotional security that forms later in life through consistent, safe relationships, therapy, reflection, and body-based healing.
You stop reacting out of survival—and start responding from stability. You begin to trust that:
- You are worth loving
- Conflict doesn’t equal abandonment
- You can be close and independent
- You don’t need to disappear to be accepted
This shift isn’t just cognitive. It’s physiological. Your nervous system becomes less reactive and more regulated. You learn to stay present—even when connection feels uncertain.
How Change Happens
You don’t change your attachment style by reading a list of traits and trying to act differently. You change it by having new emotional experiences that feel safe and consistent enough to rewire old expectations.
That can happen through:
- A healthy romantic relationship
- A secure friendship
- A patient therapist
- Inner healing work (like IFS, EMDR, or somatic therapy)
Over time, your system begins to say: Maybe I don’t have to panic. Maybe I don’t have to shut down. Maybe love can stay. That’s the beginning of earned secure.
What Secure Attachment Actually Looks Like
Let’s get practical. People with secure attachment aren’t perfect—they’re just regulated and relational.
In Conflict:
- You can stay present instead of going numb or lashing out
- You’re able to name your needs without making it a threat
- You repair after rupture—you don’t pretend nothing happened
In Intimacy:
- You enjoy closeness but don’t lose yourself in it
- You can receive love without constant anxiety
- You set and respect boundaries with kindness
In Daily Life:
- You don’t rely on others to fix your emotions—but you also don’t isolate when you’re struggling
- You’re flexible with change, disagreement, and emotions
- You can trust that people love you, even when you’re not performing
Secure isn’t calm all the time. It’s regulated enough to show up with honesty, empathy, and care—even when things are hard.
What It Takes to Get There
The shift to secure is slow and non-linear. But it is possible.
Here are some keys to the process:
1. Name Your Default Patterns
Before you can shift out of anxious, avoidant, or disorganized patterns—you need to recognize them. Keep asking: What’s happening in my body? What am I afraid of here?
2. Practice Co-Regulation
Find people who are safe enough to share your emotions with. Whether it’s a therapist, partner, or friend—letting someone stay present with you in your emotion is deeply healing.
Want to understand this better? Check out our team at EM Counseling—we work with clients to build co-regulation skills daily.
3. Repair When You Miss It
Securely attached people don’t never rupture. They just know how to repair. Start with small moves: “I felt triggered earlier, and I want to come back and try again.”
4. Soften Your Inner Voice
Insecure attachment often comes with an inner critic: “You’re too much.” “You’ll push them away.” “You don’t matter.” Practice interrupting those voices with curiosity, not shame.
5. Let It Be Boring
Secure attachment is steady, not dramatic. If a healthy relationship feels “boring” at first—you’re not doing it wrong. You’re just adjusting to peace.
A Few Signs You’re Moving Toward Secure
- You don’t send that spiraling text right away—you breathe instead
- You stay in the conversation instead of ghosting or exploding
- You let someone help you when you’re struggling
- You hear “I love you” and don’t immediately question if they mean it
- You make space for your own feelings, instead of only managing everyone else’s
That’s progress. That’s secure, too.
Final Thoughts
You don’t have to stay stuck in old survival strategies. Even if no one modeled healthy connection before, you can create it now.
You can learn to trust others—without disappearing. You can learn to ask for what you need—without fear of rejection. You can become someone who doesn’t brace for love—but rests in it.
It’s not about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming safe.