Perfectionism in Women: When 'Good Enough' Never Feels Safe

Photo by Joe Ciciarelli on Unsplash

The Weight of Always Getting It Right

It’s late. The house is quiet. You finally sit down with your laptop after the kids are in bed — but instead of resting, you’re rewriting that email one more time. Or maybe you’re reloading the dishwasher because your partner “didn’t do it right.” Or you’re scrolling social media, comparing your messy living room to someone else’s spotless home, promising yourself tomorrow you’ll try harder. Or maybe it's another glass of wine to shut off the overwhelming drive to perform.

If that feels familiar, you’re not alone. In communities like Carmel and Zionsville, where families juggle demanding schedules and high expectations, perfectionism isn’t about pride. It isn’t about needing to look better than everyone else. It’s about survival. It’s about keeping things together, staying safe, and holding onto love.

Where Perfectionism Begins: Attachment Roots

Perfectionism often has roots in early relationships. As children, many of us received the message — directly or indirectly — that love was conditional. If we behaved, succeeded, or stayed out of the way, we were safe. If we failed, fell apart, or expressed too much emotion, our connection felt threatened. We learned we would not belong.

That’s the soil where perfectionism grows.
- With anxious attachment, it looks like over-functioning: 'If I do more, no one will leave me.'
- With avoidant attachment, it looks like competence and independence: 'If I don’t need anyone, I won’t be hurt.'

Either way, the underlying belief is the same: 'If I fail, if I let anyone down, I won’t be loved.'

Fear in a World of Social Threats

Our nervous system is wired for survival. Thousands of years ago, it scanned for physical threats — lions in the tall grass. Today, those lions have been replaced with social threats.

- A critical comment feels like danger.
- Being overlooked feels like rejection.
- Making a mistake feels like humiliation.

Your body reacts to these moments as if your very safety is at stake, which is why perfectionism shows up. It’s a survival strategy: 'If I can avoid mistakes, I’ll stay safe.'

This is key: perfectionism isn’t arrogance. At its root, it’s fear.

Fitting In vs. Belonging

The best way to avoid that feeling of danger is not to be flawed; instead, we must fit in. If I dress right, act right, parent right, work right — then I’ll be accepted. But fitting in is not the same as belonging.

Belonging says: 'I am loved as I am.'
Fitting in says: 'I’ll twist myself into whatever shape I need so I’m not rejected.'

That difference is why perfectionists often feel lonely. They may look like they have it all together, but inside, they feel unknown. And because asking for help feels like 'proof of failure,' they often avoid therapy, friendships that require vulnerability, or admitting when they’re struggling.

In many ways, perfectionists wear a mask. As a consequence, every compliment is to the pretend version of themselves, and every criticism cuts to the core. Positive emotions belong to the performance, not to the person underneath.

Perfectionism as a Coping Strategy (and Its Cousins)

When fear and shame get too loud, we all cope. For some, it’s numbing — a glass of wine, comfort food, endless scrolling. For others, it’s controlling — getting every detail just right, making sure nothing falls apart.

Both are coping strategies. Both temporarily regulate the nervous system. And both are understandable. But they also keep us stuck.

Instead of addressing the emotions, we silence those emotions or distract ourselves from them. That way, the “show can go on”, which is precisely why “the show” feels endless. Life can not grow, evolve, adapt, or change if we are committed to stabilizing it.

Our attempt at stabilizing begins to feel like freezing life where it is. Trying to capture the film of life in a single image of perfection. Eventually, we begin to resent those who threaten that image.

A simple reflection question:
'Am I numbing or am I controlling right now?’

‘Am I trying to perfect an image, or participate in the story?’

How Perfectionism Shows Up in Relationships

Perfectionism doesn’t stay private. It leaks into our most important relationships.

- Over-functioning: carrying more than your share of the load, then resenting your partner for not helping enough.
- Micromanaging: correcting how the dishwasher is loaded or how the kids are dressed. To your partner, this feels like control — and sometimes gets labeled as 'narcissism.'
- Criticism & Defensiveness: when nothing feels safe, even small feedback can spiral into big fights.

This is where Instagram culture gets it wrong. Many people describe their partner as 'narcissistic' when in reality, what they’re seeing is extreme, fear-driven perfectionism. That doesn’t make the pain any less real — but it does mean the root isn’t villainy, it’s fear.

The Four Horsemen of Perfectionism

Marriage researchers John and Julie Gottman describe four toxic patterns that predict relationship breakdown, often called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Perfectionism frequently fuels them because mistakes feel unsafe, so the nervous system reacts in defensive or controlling ways.

Criticism

Instead of raising a concern gently, perfectionism drives sharp, global statements like: 'You never do this right' or 'You always make things harder.' This attacks the person rather than the problem.
   - Antidote: Gentle Start-Up → Express needs with 'I feel' and 'I need' language. For example: 'I feel overwhelmed with the dishes tonight and would really appreciate your help.'

Defensiveness

When a mistake feels like danger, the instinct is to deflect or blame: 'It’s not my fault—you didn’t help.' This escalates conflict instead of resolving it.
   - Antidote: Take Responsibility → Even if only for a small piece. For example: 'You’re right, I was short with you earlier. I’ll try to slow down next time.'

Contempt

The harshest horseman, rooted in perfectionism’s shame. It sounds like: 'You’re lazy, weak, or not good enough.' It communicates disgust or superiority, and it’s deeply corrosive.
   - Antidote: Build Appreciation → Practice noticing and naming what your partner does well. For example: 'I really value how you handled bedtime tonight—it made my night easier.' Over time, this rewires the habit of scanning for flaws into a habit of scanning for strengths.

Stonewalling

When imperfection feels unbearable, shutting down feels safer than staying engaged. It looks like silence, withdrawal, or physically leaving the room.
   - Antidote: Self-Soothing, Then Re-Engaging → Recognize when you’re overwhelmed, pause to calm your body (deep breathing, a short break, grounding), and then return to the conversation. For example: 'I need ten minutes to clear my head, but I want to come back and finish this.'

Swapping out the Four Horsemen doesn’t happen overnight, but every time you use an antidote, you plant a seed of safety. Over time, those seeds grow into connection and trust—two things perfectionism desperately wants but can’t create on its own.

The Burnout Connection

Burnout doesn’t just happen at work. It happens in parenting, in marriage, even in friendships.

Left unchecked, perfectionism always ends in burnout.  We often support moms and wives who are “burnt out”. They are exhausted and numb from all of the ways they must show up for others. Fortunately, the same road to burnout is the road back to peace.

Psychologists Herbert Freudenberger and Gail North mapped out 12 stages of burnout, which line up almost perfectly with the perfectionism cycle.

1. Compulsion to prove → 'I’ll show I can do it.'
2. Working harder → taking on more and more.
3. Neglecting needs → skipping sleep, rest, fun.
4. Displacement of conflicts → blaming others.
5. Revision of values → identity shrinks to 'good mom,' 'perfect worker.'
6. Denial of problems → snapping, defensiveness.
7. Withdrawal → pulling away from spouse/kids.
8. Odd behaviors → numbing, irritability.
9. Depersonalization → seeing others as obstacles.
10. Emptiness & anxiety → panic, despair.
11. Depression → hopelessness.
12. Collapse → mental or physical breakdown.

Where ever you are in this cycle, your need to survive and protect yourself is driving you into a behavior. The antidote at each step is to act in the opposite direction one step at a time.

1. Compulsion to prove → 'I’ll show I can do it.’
   Antidote - Accept that you do not NEED to prove anything.

2. Working harder → taking on more and more.
   Antidote - Invite others to carry some tasks.

3. Neglecting needs → skipping sleep, rest, fun.
   Antidote - Prioritize sleep, rest, and fun. You won't overdo it.

4. Displacement of conflicts → blaming others.

   Antidote - Accept that no one forced you to behave the way you have. This was your choice, even if it was justified.

5. Revision of values → identity shrinks to 'good mom,' 'perfect worker.’
   Antidote - Expand your expression to include more than those characters, live into values.

6. Denial of problems → snapping, defensiveness.
   Antidote - Face your problems. Find support.

7. Withdrawal → pulling away from spouse/kids.
   Antidote - Pursue relationships, even if they feel uncertain, it’s just new right now.

Suppose you find yourself in the later stages of burnout, it’s time to invite a therapist into the process. They can help you take the appropriate steps to reclaim and rebuild your whole self.

Reflection:

'Where am I in this cycle right now?’

‘What step towards peace can I take this week?’

Why It Persists: The Nervous System and Hard Emotions

If perfectionism feels exhausting, why do we stay in it? Because calm feels foreign, and we don’t think we have the energy to learn something new right now.

Many women say, 'I just want peace at home.' But when peace comes, it feels uncomfortable — like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Chaos and control feel safer than calm and imperfection.

Even leaving the job, or even the partner, doesn’t fix it. Because the root issue isn’t them — it’s the nervous system’s inability to sit with hard emotions. Without healing, the fear and blame just shift to someone or something else.

Practical Tools to Break the Cycle

Healing perfectionism doesn’t happen overnight. But small, consistent shifts can retrain the nervous system toward safety.

1. Body Awareness
   Notice your cues: a tight jaw, racing thoughts, irritation. That’s your nervous system saying: 'I feel unsafe.'

2. Trigger Tracking
   Write down your top 3 perfectionism triggers (messy house, spouse’s criticism, work deadlines). Awareness is step one.

3. Swap the Horsemen
   - Instead of 'You never help,' try 'I feel overwhelmed tonight and need support.'
   - Instead of defending, try 'You’re right, I was sharp with you. I’ll slow down.'

4. Parenting Lens
   Ask: 'Am I parenting from my fear, or from my child’s need?'

5. One Imperfect Act Daily
   Send the email without rereading three times. Leave the bed unmade. Let the dishes sit. Notice the discomfort — and let it be.

6. Stepping Back From Burnout

What is one step back to yourself you can take this week?

A Gentle Word of Hope

Perfectionism once kept you safe. It was a brilliant survival strategy. But what kept you safe then may be keeping you stuck now.

Safety today isn’t found in doing everything right. It’s found in relationships where you can be imperfect and still be loved. And how can you belong if the version of you people meet is covered by perfection? Give people a chance to know you—the whole imperfect self.

Healing begins with compassion — for yourself, and for the little girl inside who learned she had to be perfect to be safe. Through therapy (like EMDR, IFS, or attachment-based work), supportive relationships, and small daily practices, you can retrain your nervous system to believe the truth: you are already enough.

'Perfectionism kept you safe once. But safety now comes not from doing it all perfectly, but from knowing you don’t have to.'